March 8, 10 pm, I was in my room staring at my phone screen. 11 numbers were on the screen, Karuizawa Kei's phone number. It’s been three months since Kei and I had ended our relationship, or rather, it’s been three months since Kei decided to end our relationship. I didn't try to stop her, much less tried to question her reasons. I just accepted.

And now... I don't know how long I've been looking at that phone's screen. In my mind there was only a mix of doubt and lack of courage. The reason for that... today was Kei's birthday. Kei and I have exchanged 2 or 3 words at most since Christmas but at least I wanted to wish her happy birthday as a normal person... as her friend...

"As her boyfriend..."

Wha-?! the thoughts that took shape through my voice. They are difficult to understand even for me. Are they genuine? What should I do? What I want to do? What would Kei say?

“I don’t care anymore” saying that I just decided to call her number. A small click on the phone screen to make that call proved to be a greater test of courage than I ever imagined. My phone tried to reach hers and when it looked like she wouldn't receive my call, I could hear a voice.

“Ah-- I mean, ya-hoo!”

“I thought you wouldn’t answer” I replied with a relief tone.

“Eh?! why did you think that?”

“I don’t know, I just thought there was a good chance that you would choose not to accept my call”

“You’re wrong!! I have no reason to ignore your call you know. I just got out of the shower since it wasn't that long ago that I got to my room you know.”

“...”

in the face of such a terrible excuse, I could just reply without words.

“... What? You won’t say anything?”

“...”

“...” and after few seconds the confession “ah, okay, you got me, I admit. I was a little afraid to pick up the phone"

“I see. It's like I thought then, this call is too sudden taking into account the little contact we had in the last three months. I hope it is not a hindrance to you”

“No, there is no way it’s a hindrance. I really happy you called me” Unlike the last answer, she answered calmly this time, so it must be true. “The past three months have been really awkward. Although we are no longer a couple, I wish I could talk to you normally more often.”

“Indeed. The reason why I called you is because today is your birthday.”

“So you remembered.” I could feel a nostalgic tone in her voice.

“So, well, I guess I should say happy birthday Kei.”

“Thanks Kiyotaka” I could hear an embarrassed answer from her.

We were both silent after that, so I decided to keep talking “I bought you a gift, but this time it looks like I didn't get a chance to give it to you. Maybe I can do it tomorrow.”

“Eehh? Kiyotaka didn't have to do this. I've already received many gifts from my friends.” Then our conversation became silent again. I wonder why. Normally we could talk for hours without any effort, but this time it felt like we weren't saying what we wanted. I couldn't let this call die.

“Kei”

“What Kiyotaka?”

“I think I have to apologize. That time, I was a really bad boyfriend, right?"

“Well, I can’t say you’re the best boyfriend, you’re such a womanizer after all. I really had so many headaches because of you, but I don't think you should apologize. I had fun thanks you. I was also able to grow thanks to you. So please don't apologize. I just hope you had a good time as my boyfriend.”

“Of course I had!” I replied immediately. I could learn many things thanks to you, I was also able to discover many feelings that I didn't even know I had. Even now “I wish I could learn more things by being on your side” Through a low tone of voice my thoughts took shape again.

“What?” it looks like she didn't hear me.

“What? Nothing. It's almost 11pm, I think we should end the call” I said that nervous while checking the clock.

“Yeah, you’re right. I'm curious to know what the present is tomorrow.”

“Don't get many expectations. You know very well that I am terrible giving gifts.” I pressed the button to end the call. I was frustrated and relieved at the same time. I wonder what her answer would be if I said what I wanted to say.

“I think... I’m just an insecure guy after all”